


The Very Secret Diary of Ralon of Malven

by devilinthedetails



Category: PIERCE Tamora - Works, Tortall - Tamora Pierce
Genre: Gen, Humor, References to bullying, Secret Diary, references to violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-12-30 18:51:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18321176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devilinthedetails/pseuds/devilinthedetails
Summary: Ralon of Malven's very secret diary. Set during the events of the first Alanna book.





	The Very Secret Diary of Ralon of Malven

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Very Secret Diary Event during the Free for All at Goldenlake.

The Very Secret Diary of Ralon of Malven

Entry I: 

Received package from Mother today. Was very excited until I opened it because third sons never get presents from home. All the other pages were jealous until they realized I got you. Then they laughed until they were blue in the face. Was very embarrassing. Was tempted to throw you into a latrine to restore my pride. In the end settled for marching away with nose in the air, acting like I couldn’t hear their teasing. Tore the letter that accompanied you to pieces in safety of my bedroom. Don’t care what it said. 

Entry II: 

Cared enough about Mother’s letter to piece it together. Was like a puzzle only more frustrating. Mother thinks keeping a diary will help improve my writing marks. Wish Mother were here so I could shout at her that I don’t want to improve my writing. Improving writing is for second sons who want to be Mithran monks. Don’t want to be a Mithran monk or a second son no matter what older brothers think. 

Entry III: 

Have decided don’t want to fail writing. Will try to keep diary. Don’t want to write in diary so will try to set goals to motivate myself. Current goal: four sentences a month. Current goal: already exceeded. Off to encouraging start. 

Entry IV: 

Writing master (can’t remember his name—all the Mithran monks blend together in my mind) says writing is improving but still need to remember subjects and verbs in all sentences. Don’t know why he can’t supply subjects for himself. Can’t do all the thinking for him. 

Entry V: 

Tussled with newest brat in the pages’ wing. Definitely a backcountry boy who thought he was a noble. Looked like a goatherd’s son and refused to call me “Lord Ralon” as requested. Will call him Alan the Snot in my head in revenge. On second thought, Alan the Snot too good a name not to share with everyone. Will use Alan the Snot outside my head too. 

Entry VI:

Reached exalted rank of squire. Am now more entitled than ever to tell Alan the Snot what to do. 

Entry VII: 

Was too tired to curry my horse today. Ordered Alan the Snot to do it. Alan the Snot being a snot refused. 

Entry IX: 

Will have to spend a month cleaning out the stables because Alan the Snot refused to curry my horse. Will revenge myself on Alan the Snot. Revenge may not be swift or particularly brilliant but will be terrible. I promise you that, secret diary. 

Entry X: 

Realized Alan the Snot made me so angry I messed up my Thanic numeral last entry. Too late to fix. Am too tired from mucking out the stables anyway. Serves the Old Ones right for making their numbers too complicated. They would’ve conquered the world if they had numbers that made sense and didn’t wear bedsheets. 

Entry XI: 

Alan the Snot thinks he’s too good for swimming so I tried to make him swim. Thought it would be fun to almost drown him. Almost drowning would humble him. Instead got rammed in the gut by Alan the Snot. Then almost drowned by the Brute of Goldenlake. Almost drowning not as fun as taunting Alan the Snot. Pinched Alan the Snot at dinner service as part payment for the almost-drowning. Alan the Snot squealed like a pig and dropped his platter. Very satisfying. 

Entry XII: 

Beat Alan the Snot in the stables. Debt Alan the Snot owed me for my almost-drowning now repaid in full. 

Entry XIII: 

Brute of Goldenlake unbalanced the ledger again. Thrashed me like a dog. Disheartening since am not a dog. Will have to pound Alan the Snot to relieve my anger.

Entry XIV: 

Split Alan the Snot’s lip for telling the Brute of Goldenlake about the pounding I gave him. 

Entry XV: 

Alan the Snot dared to bloody my nose so I broke his arm. 

Entry XVI: 

Duke Gareth very stern with me for breaking Alan the Snot’s arm. Think he likes Alan the Snot better than me. Can’t imagine why. Father says some people have no taste. Duke Gareth must be among those people. 

Entry XVII: 

Thought I would pound Alan the Snot today when he dared to talk back to me. Instead Alan the Snot pounded me. Was beaten by the scrawniest page in history. Am considering quitting in shame. 

Entry XVIII: 

Have quit page training in disgrace. Disgrace was only added to when Duke Gareth didn’t attempt to discourage me from quitting in disgrace. Instead said dryly was best decision I ever made since I came to the palace. Am still smarting from that as much as Alan the Snot’s thrashing. Will return home with tail between my legs expecting to be disowned. Disowning at least better than being mocked by oldest brother who did not quit knighthood training in disgrace. Will burn my diary before oldest brother can read the evidence of my shame. Farewell, diary. We shall never know how much you could’ve improved my writing marks.


End file.
